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He knows no more about financial markets than Steve Carell knows about office supplies.

Douglas, who is a smart fella with high likability scores and a hot wife, and whose primary platform issue is nuclear proliferation, was at the U.N. yesterday to urge the United States and eight other holdout nations to ratify a nuclear-test-ban treaty. But after world leaders condemned the "boundless greed" of world markets, Douglas was asked to compare nuclear Armageddon with the "financial Armageddon on Wall Street."

Huh?

Later, another reporter asked, "Are you saying, Gordon, that greed is not good?"

"I'm not saying that," Douglas replied. "And my name is not Gordon. He's a character I played 20 years ago."

Clay Aiken is gay

Duh.

In related news . . .

. . . which doesn't really qualify as news because everyone already knows it and certainly shouldn't qualify as news anyway this close to an election, Lindsay Lohan confirmed on the "Loveline" radio show that she is "dating" Samantha Ronson.

Are you actually "dating" someone when you're with them 24/7?

The public announcement of the relationship means that even Lindsay's dad might acknowledge it.

Tattbits

While touring Bethlehem (not the one in Pennsylvania), Paul McCartney said yesterday that he's carrying a message of peace for Israel and the Palestinians, and rejecting criticism of his planned concert in Tel Aviv.

"I'm here to highlight the situation and to say that what we need is peace in this region, a two-state solution," he said, referring to Israel and a Palestinian state.

"I get criticized everywhere I go, but I don't listen to them," McCartney said. "I'm bringing a message of peace, and I think that's what the region needs."

Years ago when Sir Paul carried a message of peace through an airport in Japan, he got arrested.

* Nicole Kidman said that swimming in Australian Outback waterfalls may have contributed to her unexpected pregnancy over the past year.

With whom did she swim?

Nicole, who gave birth to daughter Sunday Rose in July, said that she and six other women who swam in the waters of a small Outback town during production of the epic romance "Australia" became pregnant.

"Seven babies were conceived out of this film and only one was a boy," she told the Australian Women's Weekly. "There is something up there in the Kununurra water because we all went swimming in the waterfalls, so we can call it the fertility waters now."

* Sharon Stone has lost another round of custody proceedings over her oldest son.

A San Francisco judge denied her request for primary custody of 8-year-old Roan, who's been living with his father, newspaper executive Phil Bronstein. The couple divorced in 2004, after six years of marriage.

The judge ruled that Bronstein's home is more stable, seemingly unaware that Bronstein is in the newspaper business.

* An Atlanta judge on Tuesday ordered rapper T.I. (aka Clifford Harris) to pay more child support to the mother of two of his children after she claimed he wasn't providing enough money.

Superior Court Judge Bensonetta Tipton Lane told T.I. to pay just over $3,000 a month to LaShon Dixon. He had been paying about $2,000 per month.

The judge also said that T.I. must continue to pay for the boys' private school, for medical bills not covered by insurance and for expenses related to their extracurricular activities.

Dixon's attorney, Randy Kessler, said that his client is still unsatisfied.

"Every little bit helps," Kessler said. "She was just getting by with the children, while they lived a different life with their father. It can't be complete opposites on the other side."

* The Hollywood Reporter says that screenwriter John Wells will make his feature-film directing debut with "The Company Men," about corporate downsizing.

The Reporter says that "as the U.S. endures financial turmoil, projects about economic hard times could gain traction at studios."

Note to Hollywood: During the Depression, the hit movies were screwball comedies, adventures and musicals.

* No worries, DMX is OK.

Billboard.com reports that the rapper (aka Earl Simmons) was admitted to an Aventura, Fla., hospital Monday, according to his busy lawyer Bradford Cohen.

Oddly enough, on Tuesday DMX was scheduled for an Arizona court hearing to clear up a drug-possession charge.

And just last month DMX was also admitted to a hospital the day before he was due in court.

Go figure.

* In Touch Weekly reports that Kirsten Dunst has split with her Mac daddy, Justin Long.

"Kirsten gets bored really easily," says a source.

* In Touch also reports that Natalie Portman and musician Devendra Banhart are splitsville.

Perhaps this means that Natalie will start returning Tattle's calls. *

E-mail gensleh@phillynews.com

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